Raising children while caring for aging parents is putting many households on edge. Between school drop-offs, work obligations, and medical emergencies, the burden of managing everything—often without reward or assistance—is prompting more people to speak up. As burnout grows, so do difficult discussions about the true nature of family support. Nancy, a reader, wrote to explain why she refused to care for her mother without payment.
My name is Nancy, and I’m a 35-year-old single mother with three children (ages 7, 3, and 6 months). My 74-year-old mother lives with us rent-free and, until recently, helped care for my children. Unfortunately, she had a catastrophic fall and is no longer able to function or assist others. She didn’t want to go to a nursing facility, so I volunteered to continue caring for her at home on the condition that she pay me for my time and work.
Her response was discouraging. “I’m your mom—you owe me!” she exclaimed. That that evening, my oldest son called me in a panic. I was stunned. My mother had taken matters into her own hands and called a nursing facility, which was on its way to pick her up. But that wasn’t the only shock. A moving truck had arrived and cleaned out half the house. Everything she owned, including the furniture she bought when I came in, was gone. Even my baby’s crib vanished, as it had been a gift from her.
When I phoned her, she replied, “This is what you get for being ungrateful! I spent years caring for your children. Now that I can’t help, you’re ready to discard me!” But I do not believe I am being unreasonable. I am not a nurse; I am a mother of three with a full plate already. I cannot bear the physical, emotional, and financial burden of caregiving alone. At the very least, she could contribute monetarily. I love my mother, but love does not pay bills or relieve stress. Nothing in life is free. Is it really bad of me to ask?